December 2, 2023


What follows is a list of ‘the…’ I thought up while soaking in a long deep scented bath; which will in no doubt leave some of you wishing I took quick showers.

The ‘ahh’ sound you make after that first sip of tea

The mournful *ploop* noise a broken biscuit makes when it lands in the tea

The first time you find a grey hair that isn’t’ from your head

The forgotten reason you entered the room

The realisation mid-butt-wipe that your finger has pierced the toilet paper

The fine jet of talk-spit that you politely pretend not to notice drying on your cheek

The look the guy in the ‘free hugs’ t-shirt gave you when you asked ‘Why, what’s he in for?’

The fart in the bath that tickles your vivacious region with the bubbles

The fart you once banished from your innards that was so vengeful even you had to leave the room

The photos with beloveds where you trout-pout, duck-face and platypus and will regret doing so one day

The holidays photos ruined by foreground narcissists holding selfie sticks

The exhaling and hand-fanning of lips during a mouthful of hot food

The bemused look on some poor unsuspected persons face when you approach them from behind wearing just a bowler hat somewhere and urgently ask them what year it is; when they answer you run away away shouting, ‘It worked! It worked!’

The urge to call someone up and say, ‘I’m sorry I just can’t talk right now’ before hanging up

The way people moan about the food but answer ‘lovely thank you’ when the waiter asks how everything is

The type of people who think ordering coffee with their desert at 10pm is a good idea

The ‘full bladder in need of emptying’ dance

The gentleman who apologies after ‘you’ bumped into ‘him’

The way a landing duck combines frantic and graceful

The cute white mound on a dog’s nose after burying its face in the snow

The unavoidable pressing together of buttock-cheeks on a packed tube train

The unpleasantness of sitting on an already warm seat wearing damp trousers

The split-second realisation that the person you’re waving back to wasn’t waving at you

The ‘where’d I put that’ pat-down of pockets at the front of the queue

The fun you can have with cold-callers by asking them if they’ve had colon cleansing in the last six months

The exception to the saying, ‘surely no one can be that stupid’

The POTUS is that stupid

The day that every single digit of the lottery numbers will be one less than yours

The conceding transition from running to casual standing on a platform as the carriage doors close before you

The fancy dress party where you got lost looking for the loo and walked in on Porky frotting SpongeBob

The end